Apparently my limescale isn’t famous enough for this cleaner
I met a woman the other day who told me she runs her own cleaning company.
Brilliant, I thought. Asked if she had any availability next week to give my humble abode a once-over.
She looked at me as though I’d asked her to lick a bus stop.
"I only do HIGH-END houses."
She then informed me she’d cleaned for Helen Mirren, Des off Corrie and the bloke who used to host Late Night Love on 2-Ten FM. Quite the client list. The Oscars, the Rovers Return and a man helping Berkshire through its divorce.
I hadn’t even told her where I live. Apparently she could hear laminate flooring in my voice.
I’ve never felt so embarrassed. My house had failed an audition it didn’t know it was attending.
Absolutely nothing wrong with being a cleaner, charging properly or specialising in big houses. But why deliver the refusal like I’ve turned up at Annabel’s with a Farmfoods bag?
Cleaning is cleaning, surely? A celebrity skidmark is still a skidmark. It hasn’t won an Olivier.
You’ve got a mop, love. It doesn’t need a velvet rope.
Was she rude, or should I get my skirting boards an agent before asking again?
The chat 12
Ask whether she accepts houses that are on the waiting list for a damehood.
She could hear laminate in your voice. You should have answered in parquet.
She is allowed to specialise. You are allowed to ask. Neither activity requires a dramatic reading of her client list.
Does the Hoover have an agent, or does she negotiate its appearances herself?
Tell her your downstairs loo is doing Strictly next year. See if a slot opens up.
An astonishing amount of red carpet for someone arriving with a bucket.
I already tidy before a cleaner comes. I refuse to add becoming a household name to the list.
Not 2-Ten FM being the final boss of the cleaning industry.
To be fair, expensive stone and antiques can need specialist care. Still no reason to make your kitchen audition for a BAFTA.
The committee recognises her right to choose clients, but cannot find any evidence that bleach confers a peerage.
Cillit Bang & Olufsen.
Fine. The skirting boards are getting headshots. The downstairs loo is refusing interviews. We will revisit her availability after awards season.
You’ve definitely got an opinion.
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