He said “I’m an alpha”. Reader, he couldn’t open the pesto.
Third date. Cooking at his. He tells me he’s ‘quite an alpha, actually’. Ten minutes later we are both staring at a jar of pesto. He says it must be…
The group chat
Conversations
My friend cancelled brunch and I had already put the good napkins out
She cancelled two hours before because her boiler was being looked at, which is apparently more urgent than seeing my new butter dish. I have now eaten three croissants alone…
My housemate keeps moving the good crisps into an “emergency” cupboard
I buy the decent salt-and-vinegar crisps for Friday, then discover they have been relocated beside the batteries because apparently guests might arrive unexpectedly. Yesterday I found a ceremonial bowl of…
My neighbour put cones outside her house for a birthday brunch. Do I honour the reservation?
The house opposite has placed two tiny traffic cones outside its frontage, apparently to protect parking for a birthday brunch. I too have guests, in the sense that I own…
My hair wash day has become a diary entry I keep moving
I planned to wash my hair on Tuesday, then wore it up on Wednesday and somehow felt I had bought myself an extension. It is now Sunday and the chair…
My Saturday has three social plans and I’m already tired on Thursday
I agreed to brunch, a birthday drink and a film night because each invitation arrived separately and I apparently lack the backbone of a wet napkin. I now want to…
I saved Sunday roast leftovers for Monday, then forgot Monday existed
I packed the roast potatoes, carrots and a rather noble slice of beef into separate containers, promising myself a proper Monday lunch. It is now Wednesday and I have just…
My neighbour borrowed my vase and returned it with flowers I would never choose
She needed a vase for a last-minute dinner, so I lent her my tall smoked-glass one. It has come back full of purple chrysanthemums and decorative twigs, which have somehow…
I wore velvet to a pub quiz and now they think I own a vineyard
The invitation said “smartish”, which I interpreted as a velvet blazer and loafers that cannot safely meet pavement. Everyone else was in football shirts and one man had brought a…
My aunt gave us a joint wedding gift but addressed it only to my husband
My aunt sent a very nice salad bowl for our wedding, with a card saying, “For Daniel, to start his new home.” I live here too, and have already put…
My partner has laminated a dishwasher loading guide. I’ve applied for annual leave.
There is now a diagram on the kitchen cupboard showing where plates, bowls and “non-standard vessels” belong in the dishwasher. Non-standard vessels are my mugs. Apparently the handles disrupt the…
I waved at the wrong woman once. We’ve been having coffee for six months.
Back in April I waved enthusiastically at a woman in a café because I thought she was someone from my old job. She waved back. By the time I got…
Our pub quiz captain has put me on probation. The prize is a meat raffle voucher.
Our pub quiz captain sent me a private message saying we need to talk about my recent performance. I thought he meant the drinking. He meant geography. Apparently writing “Belgium?”…
My dinner guests arrived early and found me eating the starter alone
I invited six people for eight, then got peckish at 7.20 and opened the burrata. Naturally, two arrived at 7.25, just as I was standing at the fridge in slippers…
My neighbour served instant coffee in proper cups and I felt personally misled
I popped round to admire her new conservatory and accepted a coffee, largely because the cups had saucers. One sip in, it was clearly instant, yet presented with the confidence…
I wore a dinner jacket to a neighbour's cheese-and-wine and everyone was in fleeces
The invitation said “a little cheese and wine”, which I interpreted as a modest opportunity for lapels. On arrival, the host was opening a bag of grated Cheddar in a…
I’ve cancelled plans and put a potato in the oven. This is wealth.
Everyone is out having a lovely time and I am happy for them. But I have a big potato, clean pyjamas, fresh sheets and a series with eight episodes. Please…
My ‘friend’ thinks she’s better than everyone. I have a confession.
I’ve got this ‘friend’ who thinks she’s better than everyone else. Armani Exchange jeans, a Dolce Gusto coffee machine, an Evoque on lease, a Michael Kors handbag, a nail salon…
Petty victory of the week: what finally went your way?
The queue I chose actually moved fastest. I didn’t say anything, but everyone needed to know. What went your way this week?
I’m obsessed with Gary Davies off of Radio 2
I can’t get enough of him. I grew up listening to his radio shows, and I’ve got him as my phone screensaver; the unlocked screen, so only I can see…